Scattering Ashes - Part 2

Our brother, Terry knew he was about to die.

It was his choice to stop dialysis and allow for a peaceful, natural passing after years of being ravaged by diabetes and kidney failure. During the last few days of his life, he made it abundantly clear to us that he did not want a formal funeral or church service and that he wanted to be cremated with his ashes scattered in a specific bay that we were all familiar with. Out of respect for our big brother, his cremated remains were laid to rest into the sea on July 18th 2010.

It was a serene and sunny Sunday morning.

My sister, Bobbie read the following words (in part) from the lyrics of a Billy Joe Shaver song, "When Fallen Angels Fly" as my brother, Vic slowly released Terry's ashes into the water...Terry was a good guy but would be the first to say that he was "no angel", so the words just seemed appropriate...

"Terry, it's time for you now to relax into the arms of God.

Know that God saves His fallen angels

And their broken wings, he'll mend

All their sins will be forgiven.

All the saints will rejoice in heaven

When fallen angels fly.

Terry, We thank you for all that you have been to us.

We release you to God.

May your journey ahead be glorious and sweet."

Although I couldn't be there, our promise was kept to our big brother.
May he rest in peace.
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Family Drama Post Script; There's No Escaping It...
A few days later, we heard that one of Terry's ex-wives (there were a few) reportedly discounted his last wishes to our relatives. How nice it would have been if she could have just let it go. I can't help but think... were her comments meant to be hurtful or did she just feel empowered by them? Either way, they were unnecessary and inappropriate. 
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Scattering Terry's Ashes

This summer, we will remember our eldest brother, Terry and honor his last request by casting his cremated remains into the sea.

See; Remembering Terry

Terry was not much for organized religion so we have opted out of having a big Catholic Mass for him despite the fact that we have had plenty of gracious offers to organize one. He has been gone for over a year and we feel certain he is quite settled now. 

Being somewhat pragmatic in my general approach to things, I thought it might be useful to Google “rituals for scattering ashes at sea” in order to incorporate some form of spirituality into this event while remaining true to Terry’s beliefs. 

Cremation Solutions is the first of many websites that I found on that topic…  "When scattering ashes over a body of water a water-soluble urn can enhance the experience. These urns are specifically designed to gradually disperse the ashes back to the sea. Ashes can be cast directly into the water, but will often blow back at the boat and cling to the sides of the boat. This can be both frustrating and unsightly. A water-soluble urn will usually float for several minutes then slowly sink where it will degrade or melt back to the sea."

Who knew? 

I even found helpful step-by-step instructions on how to cast ashes off of a boat...

1. Travel 3 miles off  coast
2. Turn Boat into wind
3. Drop anchor -This will lessen the chances of the remains blowing back on you or the passengers
4. If you are pouring the ashes directly into the water, get down close to the water to avoid splash-back.

Note to self... Get a Water Soluble Urn.

Continuing on in my quest, I learned of a plethora of 'cremain' options out there.

Did you know that you can choose to have your loved one compressed into a manufactured diamond or precious stone suitable for display in rings or pendants? A glass tile? You can even choose to don a 'wearable urn' (actually it's a locket) with a small amount of the departed's ash in it. Or, and this is my favorite... become made into a reef then placed into the sea for fish to use as a habitat? How about being blasted off into space or being mixed in with fireworks? The possibilities seem endless. 

So, as I prepare for this final farewell, I have come to feel certain that my brother Terry, resides not in his ashes but in the hearts of all those who loved him.


12 Weird Things to Do With Cremated Remains

Terry Young 1952-2009

One year ago today my big brother, Terry died. His final gift to us, was letting us ‘in’ on his decision so that we could be with him at the end.

I can’t say we didn’t see it coming. Years of diabetes, kidney failure, dialysis, subsequent infections, a couple of strokes and near blindness was a whole lot more than I could have handled as well as he did. So, when he called to tell me that he had stopped dialysis, we both knew what that would mean. It was painful for all of us to face the certain reality that lay ahead but Terry was brave and made only one request ”to be comfortable” – and he was.

He may have had a heart of gold but he was the first to admit that he was no angel and back in the day, life was ‘all or nothing.’ When he worked, he worked hard. When he played, he played hard. When he loved, he loved hard. Almost all of Terry’s ‘hard’ ways came to a screeching halt with his illnesses. He wasn’t able to work hard anymore and he couldn’t play hard any more but he was able to love as strongly as he always had.

Terry maintained old friendships and cultivated new ones despite the fact that he was alone, ill and sequestered in his apartment, unable to drive. After his 4th marriage ended, (did I mention he loved hard?) he chose to live in Moncton, New Brunswick. “It’s where my doctors are.” he explained when we asked “Why Moncton?” Good reason.

Our sister, Bobbie stepped up and found him an apartment and helped create a plan enlisting our cousins, Karen and Kirk, should he need help. In typical ‘Terry’ fashion, he fell in love with them and their children immediately. Within a few short years, Terry’s friends included the apartment complex staff, his neighbors, his housekeeper, his ‘personal’ cab driver, nurses, doctors and ancillary hospital staff.

We were surprised and happy to see how social he had become and it was comforting to know that if he had not let us ‘in’ on his decision, he would not have been alone.

2009 - My Year In Review

“Should old acquaintance be forgot / and never brought to mind? / Should old acquaintance be forgot / and days auld lang syne?” What does this mean? I'm thinking that the question is... Should you forget old friends and days gone by?

I don't think so.

Today, I am affording myself time to reflect on the past year and document the days that have gone by and the friends with whom those days have been spent. In the past, I have been known to write one of those "Year in Review" letters and post them with my Christmas Cards, but this year, I failed to send any Christmas cards - so there you go.

In 2009, I’ve had my fair share of ‘ups and downs’ (mostly ups) and although January begins with a real downer…bear with me – the year gets better.

January:Our brother, Terry died. He was the eldest in our family of four kids and chose to end his lengthy battle with kidney disease and diabetes by not continuing with dialysis. A brave decision supported by his doctors, nurses, family and friends. We were with him until he took his last breath. YouTube: Remembering Terry ...

The following letter was written to my brother, sister and I from Amelia, our 6 year old cousin on the morning after Terry passed away. Her parents, Kirk and Karen were Terry's support system as he lived so far away from us and I will forever be grateful to them for their love and compassion towards him and for embracing us as we arrived to be with him during his last few days on earth.

It has been my experience that during the worst of times, I am struck by the consistency of friends and family who are always there through thick and thin. Thank you Doug, Kathy, Bob, Eugene, Mo, Karen, Kirk, Madonna, Carrie, Jackie, Gate, my brother Vic and sister Bobbie. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you all in my life.

February:I worked. A lot. Knowing that work-a-hol-ism is my way of (not) coping. My sweet husband (and shrink), Doug knew that it was time to plan a trip.

March:Kicking and screaming, we drove to Port Aransas, Texas. A way, laid-back beach community located on the Gulf of Texas. Flip flops, no make up, shorts and sweats were the order of the day. We would park ourselves under beach umbrellas until dusk where I would cry from time to time, reflecting on the loss of my big brother and talk about ‘feelings’ with my best friend. It was a healthy thing to do and I thank my husband for his insight.

April:Several years ago, I produced a video. It’s called “Infant Emergencies and CPR…When You Least Expect It”. It still sells on amazon.com but I’m not quite sure why - as it is only available in VHS. Anyway, during the production, I was given the opportunity to do a “voiceover” in a sound studio. I was hooked. In April, I started taking voice-over classes and I have really enjoyed it. I’m thinking I should audition for a volunteer agency that creates audiobooks for the blind.

May:
Check out Doug's YouTube video of our trip...Paris and London 2009. The first week, Doug and I toured Paris alone, then we met up with his sister, brother-in-law and brother in London. We had a blast.

June:I pursued my dream to become a writer. I became a blogger. So far I've had just over 2000 hits and despite the fact that most of my fan-base has been unabashedly solicited, I have 27 fans and 9 followers! Woo Hoo!

Erma Bombeck once said ... "There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box."

Through my blog, one of my dreams has escaped that box. I wonder what other dream will make its way out of the box in 2010? Are you willing to put your dream out there?