Free Advice: On Finding Love - Part Four

Every now and then, I reflect on myself as that single woman in her thirties, looking for love. Knowing what I know now, my advice to her would go something like this...

"Hey! Lighten up a little!"

Yes, it's true. When it came to finding love I was a tad too serious. Little did I know that a lot of (normal) guys kinda like lighthearted, fun, self-confident women. Who knew?

Picture this... you spend a decade looking for Mr./Ms. Right. You worry about how you look, what you say, if you eat  too much, if you laugh too loudly or dance like a duck. Mr./Ms. Right doesn't make an appearance. Sounds like you could have had a lot more fun in that decade, don't you think?

When I was about thirty-five, I was going out to meet a girlfriend at a local sports bar. I didn't really want to go. The place was known for hosting a younger crowd and I was feeling particularly old but on  'Oprah' that day, she had a guest who advised... "When you enter into an uncomfortable situation - walk in and smile as if you are a member of the personal welcoming committee". Yeah, right.  Well I thought about it some and decided that I could muster up a 'smirk' if absolutely necessary.

Later that evening, I walked into 'Stan's Blue Note', my head held high, shoulders back, and grinning like a nutcase. Then, out of the blue, a guy approached me and invited me to join he and his friends for a beer while I waited for my girlfriend (who never did show up). Did I meet Mr. Right? No. But I did meet a great group of people, one who continues to be a great friend, today.

So I guess the moral to this story is... while on the hunt for Mr./Ms. Right...have fun.

Free Advice: On Finding Love - Part Three

The Family-Wedding Test

I was never great at choosing the right guy and couldn't quite figure out how I would end up in nowhere relationships until I decided that in order to date someone, they would have to pass my Family-Wedding Test first. My theory was that if I felt comfortable taking him to a family wedding, then I was on the right track to a healthy relationship. My advice may not be rocket-science but it does help to ferret out those with whom you should not even think of entering into a relationship with. 

Think about it.

A family-wedding requires that you feel confident that your date ...

• be able to carry on some sort of normal conversation, even they are shy and can only talk about the weather.
• have basic table manners and can deal with the fact that your cousin "It" may not.
• will just laugh if your drunken uncle Bob repetitively asks him, "So, when are you going to pop the question?".
• will behave in a gentlemanly/ladylike manner.
• will not get totally wasted during the reception.
• will ask your grandmother/grandfather to dance.

At no point do I even mention what your potential wedding date might look like. It's because it really doesn't matter. Believe me when I sincerely say that once you love and are loved by someone, they become beautiful - despite their physical flaws.

"Yeah...right" you might say to me..."That's all fine and good, but what about feeling physically attracted? What about chemistry?" And I say to you... "Who cares? You're just looking for a decent date for a wedding (or whatever)". See...Free Advice On Falling In Love; Part Two

So, the next time you need  (or just want) a date - think about asking out the guy/girl who could pass the family wedding test first - so what if they look a lot like Lyle Lovett? You're not marrying them, it's just a date.

Then see what happens... you might be pleasantly surprised.  Finding Love:Part 4

Free Advice: On Finding Love - Part Two

A few (ahem) years ago, as a single, thirty-something, I was convinced that 'normal' guys were non-existent.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't one of the women who had created a list spanning an arm's length of all the qualities I needed in a perfect mate. At thirty-five-ish, I was just wanting to find a guy that had already dealt with his 'issues' and didn't need me to be his full-time mother, therapist or banker.

Little did I know that a girl like me, was a magnet for a guy like that.

And then I put my foot down. If it looked like someone I was dating needed me to cook for him, do his errands, help him with his substance abuse problem, talk about his marriage troubles or could use a loan....it was over before it started.

You might be thinking....Oh, c'mon, I would never get involved with a guy/girl like that. But, it happens. All the time.

I have learned that just because you may be pleasant, kind, caring and/or drunk, some people (whether they know it or not) may view those qualities in you as an opportunity for their gain.

I call them "Relationship Vampires".

Oh, they're probably not intrinsically bad - but they are manipulative and self centered people who have most likely gained from this behavior throughout their lives and once you are lured into their web by their big, soulful eyes and sweet smile, it can be difficult to remove yourself as you may have already become emotionally entangled.

Be aware that it's never too late to kick a Relationship Vampire to the curb (so to speak) but it never ends well and it will always have been your fault. Just sayin'.

As we say in nursing circles...the faster you rip that bandage off, the better.

If you are out there looking to find true love, beware of the Relationship Vampire. In the long run, you'll be glad you did - even if he/she had the biggest, most soulful eyes and/or sweetest smile ever.

The goal is to share your life with someone who considers you as highly as you consider them. Finding Love: Part 3

Free Advice: On Finding Love - Part One

Before I get into full swing on this "Finding Love" series, I'm thinking it would be a good idea for you to review my posts on  "Falling in Love".

A long time ago, I had heard that love is all about timing but wasn't quite sure of what that really meant. Now I know it has a lot to do with ... "being mentally prepared for becoming emotionally involved".


We've all heard self-help gurus proclaim "You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Yeah right. Color me stupid, but I never got it. How can one 'learn' to love themselves? You either do or you don't. What does that mean anyway?

During a period of profound loss, I received an equal degree of support from friends and family. It was then that I began seeing myself through their eyes. They loved me. Despite the fact that I was far from perfect, my intrinsic faults were not deal-breakers.

Look at yourself through the eyes of your friends and family. Who do you see?

Oh, and instead of "learning to love yourself", try..."learning to like yourself". It's a lot easier. Finding Love: Part 2