Free Advice: On 'Invisibility'

I'm calling "Bullshit" on "Invisiblity over 50". 

That being said, I certainly understand the feeling of not being recognized and/or validated in a variety of social and professional settings from time to time but in the final analysis, my personal feelings of invisibility had very little to do with age and has everything to do with my state of mind and those people I come in contact with.

Socially: Have you ever walked into a room full of fabulous people all chit-chatting, laughing and apparently having a good time but knew that no one sees you or could care less if you were there or not?  Me too! Chances are, you don't really know these people and if you did, you probably wouldn't want to hang out with them anyway. When I'm in these situations, I either...

a) Leave.
b) Find someone who looks as uncomfortable as I do and ask ..."So, How do you know X and Y? " or "Are you originally from Dallas (or wherever)?"

I consider this example to be an opportunity to help out my fellow invisible wallflower.

Professionally: Have you ever been treated as inconsequential by a doctor or banker? Ha! Me too! Asking questions of an arrogant bastard has proven to be helpful - especially if they are talking at you and not with you..."I'm sorry but I'm not certain that you heard me, my question is..." and another good one is to "mirror" the offensive comment back to them so that the asshole can hear what you just heard..."So what you are saying to me is ..... Am I correct?"

Many times arrogant bastards are just that and sometimes they are just really poor communicators.

The moral to my story is that invisibility happens to all of us at one time or another. Whether you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond.

Our choice is to roll over and accept it or... not.

 _______________________________________

 

Thank you to my muses, Bobbie & Lorraine on this post.

Free Advice: On Life

When I first heard these words of advice, they were set to music.
 I thought it was a "Commencement Address". It wasn't. 

It was from an article written by Mary Schmich of The Chicago Tribune.

I was 40 years old and wished I had been exposed to her advice when I was in my 20's ...Nah... Never mind...I probably wouldn't have really listened. 

"ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG"

Chicago Tribune on June 1, 1997 

by 

Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. 

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. 

Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. 

You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. 

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Free Advice: On Death

 Death, the final frontier.

There you have it. There's not a whole-helluva-lot you can do about it though. As adults, we are acutely aware that death is a very real part of life - the finality of it all is incomparable to anything we will ever experience. There is no going back. No "do-overs". It is what it is.
 
I am no expert on death and dying but I do have a fair amount of 'hands-on' experience in this area that has come, in part, from being a Critical Care/ER Nurse but sadly, I've held more than one hand of a friend and family member at the moment of their last breath on earth. I've learned that death can be orchestrated into an intimate, beautiful and loving journey in life.

Yes, I've been a feverish participant during traumatic, no-holds-barred, heroic attempts of resuscitation. People who were too young to die and had so much to live for. Children, are most difficult. Enough about that for now. Today's post is not about them.

Today's post is about the countless whose lives came to an end despite the technology, medications, surgeries, complications and care we in health-care have provided to them. Today's post is about those who have lived a long healthy life and/or a short one of pain and suffering. Although, not at all scientific, this is what I've learned...

• The people who are closest to you right now will most likely be with you at the time of your death.Let them know how feel about end of life issues. Mr. Something wants to be told "Hey! Everything is looking good!" and as difficult as it may be for me, I will honor his request.
• If you find yourself to be assisting someone on their journey of illness, chances are they chose you to be there. 
• If you find yourself at the bedside of someone as they take their last breath, chances are they chose you to be there.
• If you are not around someone when they die, chances are they needed you not to be there.

• There are far worse things in life than death - but, that's a whole other list.

• Strangely, people may choose to die alone or when that certain someone who is having the most difficulty with their loss leaves the room. How many family members have said to me (upon hearing the news of their loved ones death) "But I just left to get a cup of coffee!".

• If you can, think about telling your loved one that you will miss them. Let them know that when it is time to go, you wish them peace and assure them that you will be strong and/or will help others through it.
• Thank your loved one for their impact on your life. I thanked my dad for helping to put me through nursing school. A sacred profession. I know how proud he was. Did he hear me? Who knows? It doesn't matter. The process of dying is a process for the living as well.

• Sometimes, people will wait to die until someone they have not seen in a long time arrives at their bedside.
• Grief is natural. Give yourself time to cry. Avoid drugs. They could delay the inevitable and you might just find your delayed grief rearing itself at a most inopportune time.Two months after my brother died. I couldn't stop crying. Was it the Ativan that "held me together" during and immediately after his death?
• "Wakes" are a good thing. Everyone gathers at the home of the departed family member following the service. They eat, drink, swap stories, cry and laugh. Royally pissed-off at the thought of having a party after the tragic death of Susan, (my 25 year old sister-in-law), my wise Aunt Marie said ”Joanie, I have wakes to help people get beyond their grief and this party gives everyone permission to laugh again. Life goes on and know that Susan will forever remain in your heart but it’s time to get back with the living.”
• Sometimes "ritual" can help with the journey. A few days before the death of my dear friend, Rob, I arranged to have his hair cut (he was all about looking good). I requested that locks of his hair be saved for me. Tying them with ribbon, and placing them in small photo note cards for his family and closest friends, my memento of Rob remains treasured today..

Free Advice: On Disappointment

As I have eluded to in past posts, (see "Chaos"),  I'm no Oprah. But will that tiny fact stop me from offering free advice? Hell no. So here goes the first of my "Free Advice" columns. A little lengthy, but I had alot to say on the subject of "Disappointment"...

Disappointment. 

We've all been there. And we'll be there again. Some of us have been disappointed in life more than others. So what's up with that? Here's my take on disappointment...

It sucks. It's painful. It gnaws into the pit of your stomach. And if you are smart, it forces you into re-evaluating a friendship, a job, a lifestyle and quite possibly, yourself. 

Relationships

Is a 'friend' or partner sucking you dry? 

Have you felt disappointed by the actions or words of someone you consider a close friend? Are you being bombarded with constant neediness, negativity or anger? Or is it subtler than that? Maybe a nasty comment or put-down on occasion? Does the offender deny that they have done anything wrong? Been there. Bottom line on this is that friends are nice to one another. Anything less is not conducive of friendship. 

As difficult as it may be, it may just be time for a change. I'm not talking about a friend who is going through a bad time in life. That's different. I'm talking about someone who has made you part of their nightmare and/or neurosis. The current term used for this type of person is "Energy Vampire" It fits nicely.

In the free world, we can choose to keep these bloodsuckers in our lives or not. Gotta love  freedom. And even though we will miss the good times, when you are released from their grasp, you will see the your world differently and you feel better about yourself. Believe me.

Got Dumped? 

Been there. Actually, several times so I kind of consider myself to be an expert in this area. As an adult 'dumpee', I found that following the most emotional of break-ups, a couple of rum & diet cokes really helped with the initial pain. No joke. 

Then came time for introspection. What did I learn? Was I not attractive enough? Too fat? Not smart enough? Too deep? Not deep enough? Not wild and crazy enough? Too wild and crazy? The answer? None of the above applied. I found the answer to this question after I met the man that I would marry at the not-so-tender age of forty.

It turns out that my 'dumpers' were just not right for me. Simple as that. I would have not been happy marrying any one of them - even the ones I thought could be "the one". So, thank-you to all those who dumped me. It was disappointing at the time but I am way OK with your decision today. 

Anyway, I guess my advice about getting dumped is... Move on. 
Painful? Yes. 
Your fault? Probably not.

Life-story: I was 38 when I planned on (and started saving for) moving away to the island of Grenada. My goal was to live the the island lifestyle with my dogs, (Harlan & Betsy) by the time I turned 40. Bracing myself for the potential problem of getting a job and finding a place to stay with two dogs on Grenada I decided to just live one day at a time and carry on with my island plan while living my life in Dallas. I was done with the fairy-tale of settling down with my prince behind a white picket fence and felt confident that everything would work out just fine. And it did. I never did live on Grenada - my prince showed up when I least expected him.

Work

Disappointed about not getting that job or promotion? 

Been there. What I can tell you about that is...Thank God for unanswered prayers. There is a reason for this sort of disappointment and normally it has to do with either your qualifications or the job expectations of your boss. Do you really want to work for someone that doesn't want you? I think not. You would be miserable.

What I have learned about this sort of disappointment is that it's up to you to ride it out with as much grace as you can muster - it might not be a whole hell of a lot - but in the long run, you will be prouder of yourself if you just suck it up and be polite about it all. Congratulate the jerk candidate who got the job and thank the idiots decision makers for their time. Getting all pissy will not give you the job/promotion you wanted and will most definitely impact your opportunities in the future.  

Life

It's what you make it. 

There you have it. In all it's smugness. 

At the risk of sounding all 70's Beatles lyrics, my goal for many years has been to create a life of peace, harmony and love. It's not always been easy but it has always been my goal. 

Early on in my adulthood, I found out (through a series of disappointments) that I had the ability to make choices that seriously impacted my life. As a single, childless person I could choose to ...

• not allow myself to be surrounded by nasty people. 
• remove myself from people/situations where I would feel uncomfortable.
• look for good people and cultivate friendships with them.
• forgive those who have hurt me.
• create a peaceful home environment.
• get a dog.  
• forgive myself for the past.
• plan for the future. 
• live each day in the present.

Whoa. I was sort of  'in-control'.


I learned that when I chose to separate myself from negative influences, my life took a positive turn. When I decided to drink only moderately, I didn't do or say stupid shit. When I got a dog, I had someone who needed me. When I forgave myself, I could get on with my life.

There you have it - my first real advice column. Let me know if you would like more.