The Train

Recently, I've been thinking of the words of a friend who is an ER Nurse, in the frontline during this COVID19 Pandemic...

"I look into the eyes of my coworkers and wonder which of us will lose our lives in this battle. It will happen. We all know it will happen and yet we continue to show up...shift after shift...This isn’t political. This isn’t a hoax. This doesn’t discriminate." - Kimberly Wainwright-Morrison RN

These words stirred my soul. I reflected on all of the friends and colleagues I had surrounded myself  throughout my career in healthcare and paused to think of who will we lose. 

In times like these, I rely on the wisdom of my husband who introduced me to the concept of The Train... "My life is a lot like a train trip and I've been lucky enough to get the window seat in a comfortable car. Undoubtedly, there will be a few bumps and curves along the way, but the train will stop at destinations that are colorful, fun and terrific as well as other destinations that are grey and difficult to navigate. But, neither lasts and I will eventually re-board and continue on. One day, I will reach my final destination and know that by and large, life has been a great ride in a comfortable window seat." 

His view comforts and speaks to me. I add another aspect to the train-ride of life.
It concerns family and friendship...

We will meet fellow passengers that board the train. 

Some of us have been travel-buddies since the beginning of life, some of us have traveled together for years, and some have to depart early for different destinations, but sometimes will board our train again. Sadly, some will reach their final stop.

We will laugh and talk, eat and drink together. We will comfort and support one another during arduous journeys and celebrate our successful trips together.

We will love each other.

For what ever reason, there will be travelers who we might not see 'eye to eye' with, but yet, they remain on our train. They don't share the same car anymore but we see them from time to time. Is their presence to remind us of how others travel in life? 

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter. As my husband had said, "One day, I will reach my final destination and know that by and large, life has been a great ride in a comfortable window seat." 

#TheIsolationJournals - Close Your Eyes...What Do You See?

My Rob:Part 2

 Rob and I were cut from the same cloth. 

He was the friend I needed.

When I needed him most.

Strange how having someone in your life when you need them most, happens. Rob died, and then Mr. Something entered it.

One door closes and another opens.

I remember the day that I fell in love with "My Rob". We would frequently refer to each other possessively. I was "My Joan" to him. I'm sure there is some sort of psychological-thing attached to that but...whatever. Anyway, one day I had come home from work and there was a message left on my answering machine from Rob and Steve. I don't remember the message at all except that before they hung up Rob said, "I love you".

A friend saying "I love you" is not a  big deal to a lot of people out there, but to me it was huge. I was a thirty-something, single woman living in a world where I admit I had some trust issues - especially with men. How rare is that? Not very. I saved his message and replayed it over and over again.

He was the friend I needed.

When I needed him most.

So he was a gay man. In retrospect I believe my closeness with him taught me to trust and eventually allow myself to be open to the love of a straight guy.

He was the friend I needed.

When I needed him most

Free Advice: On Falling in Love - Part Six

OK, so what started out as 'free advice' is turning into our love story. That being said, bear with me. It's just my way of illustrating how I learned all about falling in love.

I'm sure that by now you're thinking... "C'mon, this is all fine and good but hey, I need a real-live person to try my 'lovability'and 'vulnerability' out on".

I'm getting to that. In the interim, lets's review a few key points that I have learned to be helpful in falling in love...

1. Recognize that you are 'loveable'.
2. Allow yourself to be 'vulnerable'.
3. Accept that things are not always 'black and white'. Sometimes they are grey.

  _____________________________________________________________________

Back to lunch...

He was "separated" and I had some thinking to do. I called Kathy. "Just be friends" she said simply. Huh. What a concept. The old Joanie would have probably just written him off as someone with "too many complications". The new Joanie was really in need of his friendship.

I did have some misgivings though. He and his wife could reconcile and/or the chemistry between us could prove to make a platonic friendship ahem, challenging. But, remaining wounded and vulnerable after the sudden loss of Rob & Betsy a few weeks before, I decided..."What the hell. I've been hurt before and I'll most likely get hurt again but I'll survive."

Friends, we were and I soon learned of the advantages in being 'just friends' with a heterosexual man...

• You can be who you are
• You can say what you want
• You can eat what you want 

For someone who had only been 'friends' with women and homosexual men, this was a refreshing change. I had always looked at straight guys as potential husbands and my behaviours reflected a woman who dressed, ate and acted the way I thought I should. Ahhhh, I was finally getting that Shakespearean quote, "To thine own self, be true" Who knew? Love: Part 7

Coming to America 3

Hang Around Fort Smith A While
We nurses could only do so much sunbathing and drinking without ending up looking like leather bags with bloodshot eyes so, on occasion we would ‘soak in’ the local culture.

Fort Smith was known for Judge Parker “The Hanging Judge”. Over the years, Judge Parker sentenced 160 men to death by hanging. The slogan, “Hang Around Fort Smith A While” was actually posted on billboards, T-shirts and mugs as part of the city’s ad campaign. Eww. Points of interest in Ft. Smith included The Courthouse and Gallows where there was room for three hangings to occur simultaneously. Nice. Another claim to fame was the fact that Belle Starr a notorious outlaw and sometime 'madam' owned a house of ill repute located on the train line conveniently very near to The Ft. Smith Train Depot. Reportedly, Jesse James and his gang frequented it regularly.The military base of Fort Chaffee also called Fort Smith home and was where a young Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army and recieved his military haircut.

So much for the culture and history of Fort Smith.


Elvis' haircut at Ft. Chaffee and the outlaw, Belle Starr

Alrighty then, back to drinking at the pool.

Sparks Regional Medical Center, was wonderful. We were given positions in the areas that interested us most and were oriented thoroughly. I was on a Telemetry floor and was caring for heart patients. One morning, during my orientation my preceptor (trainer) asked me to administer a mouthwash of hydrogen peroxide and water to a little old lady. She was unsure as to why this had to be done but that it was ordered none-the-less. When I explained to the patient that she was to swish the liquid around in her mouth and then spit it out, she did as I had instructed. When I saw what she had spat out – I panicked. The little lady was African-American and the contents in the basin were black! Did she have a tumor? Was the inside of her mouth sloughing off? I thought she looked OK - but at this rate, I just knew it was only a matter of time. I raced back to the nurse’s station with basin in hand showing the sludge to anyone who would look... my preceptor gently put her arm around me and sweetly said, “Honey, have you never seen snuff before?” Seen it? I had never even heard of it.

Ground Snuff Tobacco

My real education had begun.

My Arkansas nursing colleagues were so incredibly helpful and kind. They demonstrated as much care and compassion towards me as they did their patients. I thank them for being such incredible role models and setting a high standard for me during a very impressionable period of my life.  Part 4: Moving On

Coming to America 5

My New Friend, Earl.
Moving to Dallas was a piece of cake. My new apartment was arranged through the hospital. I sold my car for the first month’s rent and security deposit. After all, I really didn’t need a car anyway as a city the size of Dallas would surely have a super mass transit system a la Toronto, New York, London or Paris. A friend’s Dad offered to drive me to Dallas and off we went.

My new furnished apartment was perfect and located about seven or eight miles from the hospital. Knowing that it would take me a while to get used to the transit system, I called a cab to take me to the grocery store. Dallas was kinda 'spread out' and the nearest grocery store was about three miles away. I had expected neighborhood markets. Oh well. There was a 7-eleven within walking distance.

About one and one-half hours later, the cab arrived. Apparently, cabs were not plentiful in Dallas and according to my gravel-voiced cowboy-hatted cab driver, and new best friend, Earl, “everybody has a car here”. When I asked about Dallas’ transit system, Earl snickered and in heavy southern drawl answered “Ayyy what?” It turns out that Dallas didn’t have a real transit system. It was rudimentary and unreliable, virtually non-existent. I was crushed, broke and car-less. I made a deal with Earl to come back and pick me up from the grocery store in an hour. He did.

Sitting in my new apartment, feeling sorry for myself and without a friend in the world (except for Earl), I started questioning my decision-making abilities. Why did I sell my car when I didn’t know that I would need one in Dallas? Why did I choose a city where I didn’t know a soul? Would I have enough money to last me until I get my first paycheck?

I recall my Fort Smith friends telling me how ‘brave’ I was for moving to Dallas, alone. I realized now that ‘bravery’ didn't have a lot to do with it but that ‘stupidity’ surely did. I was miserable. Part 6: Twist of Fate