Free Advice: On Falling in Love - Part Six

OK, so what started out as 'free advice' is turning into our love story. That being said, bear with me. It's just my way of illustrating how I learned all about falling in love.

I'm sure that by now you're thinking... "C'mon, this is all fine and good but hey, I need a real-live person to try my 'lovability'and 'vulnerability' out on".

I'm getting to that. In the interim, lets's review a few key points that I have learned to be helpful in falling in love...

1. Recognize that you are 'loveable'.
2. Allow yourself to be 'vulnerable'.
3. Accept that things are not always 'black and white'. Sometimes they are grey.

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Back to lunch...

He was "separated" and I had some thinking to do. I called Kathy. "Just be friends" she said simply. Huh. What a concept. The old Joanie would have probably just written him off as someone with "too many complications". The new Joanie was really in need of his friendship.

I did have some misgivings though. He and his wife could reconcile and/or the chemistry between us could prove to make a platonic friendship ahem, challenging. But, remaining wounded and vulnerable after the sudden loss of Rob & Betsy a few weeks before, I decided..."What the hell. I've been hurt before and I'll most likely get hurt again but I'll survive."

Friends, we were and I soon learned of the advantages in being 'just friends' with a heterosexual man...

• You can be who you are
• You can say what you want
• You can eat what you want 

For someone who had only been 'friends' with women and homosexual men, this was a refreshing change. I had always looked at straight guys as potential husbands and my behaviours reflected a woman who dressed, ate and acted the way I thought I should. Ahhhh, I was finally getting that Shakespearean quote, "To thine own self, be true" Who knew? Love: Part 7

Free Advice: On Falling in Love - Part Five

I wasn't convinced that having lunch with him was my smartest move. So far, I only had his work phone number and we were having lunch on a weekday (two bright red flags) but, he talked of his relationships with his three sons a lot (green flag).

I psyched myself up for my best approach on determining his marital status on our lunch date...In an oh-so-worldly-manner, I would say "Doug, I have a question for you that is very important you answer honestly ...are you married?" I prepared myself for his simple "yes" answer, by which I decided that I would maturely finish my lunch, thank him for his honesty and tell him that I wasn't ready to enter into anything complicated. Clean, sweet, good-bye.

May 21st 1996. Were my heart palpitations, shortness of breath and generalized weakness a result of looking into his blue eyes again? Or was meeting him simply, dangerous? Before the waitress took our order, I blurted out..."Hey, I understand you're married." So much for worldliness. I have never been known for my subtlety.

He looked a little lost for words and then said, "We separated in March".

Well Hell.

Life is not so simple after all, now is it? Married? Divorced? Widowed? I was prepared for. Separated? Not so much. Love: Part 6

Free Advice: On Falling in Love - Part Four

He was a handsome, charming fireman with a killer smile who moonlighted in the hospital as a Respiratory Therapist.

 The word on the street was that he was married with three kids as well. So much for that. The brakes of my heart came to a grinding halt.

Occasionally, I would see him in the hospital and we would talk about how Rob was progressing. Unfortunately, Rob was not making progress and our conversations became very emotional. Laughing, I would regale him with stories of Rob (and my) antics. Tearfully, I would fill him in on the latest complication in Rob's illness. I was a nutcase and I could care less what he thought of me. I allowed myself the freedom to be emotionally transparent.

Life continued on. Rob died, Betsy died and I remained lost.

I would see Doug at the hospital every now and then. One day, he asked me out to lunch. I was shocked. How could this married man with three kids even think of asking me out? "Yeah, maybe we should get together sometime" was my vague response.

I called Kathy, my go-to girl in all things love-related... "Joanie, lunch is lunch. Lunch is not sleeping with someone or getting married. Go to lunch and ask him what his situation is straight-out" she advised.

The next time I saw him, we agreed on a date to meet. Love: Part 5

Free Advice: On Falling in Love-Part Two

Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?

~Rodgers and Hammerstein, Cinderella

Do you see a young woman or an old hag?

I had a teacher once, who could easily be described as "unattractive". Her stringy, dishwater blond hair and acne-scarred skin was what I saw when we first met. As I got to know her as the patient, interested, compassionate and caring individual she was, I became aware of how beautiful her blue eyes and broad smile were. She was lovable. Not for what she looked like but for the very essence of who she was.

It seems to me that being lovable has very little to do with how one views themselves but rather how one views others.

I'm no doctor and I'm sure any shrink out there would have issues with my free advice, but at the risk of sounding harsh, we all carry around emotional baggage. That was then. This is now. Recognize that we all have faults, accept them and get over them.

Now is the time to be lovable by nurturing your very own essence.

Being More Lovable

1. Be nice to people
2. Apologize sincerely if you hurt someone's feelings
3. Accept your intrinsic flaws - they're really not going anywhere.
4. Recognize your strengths - exercise them - who knows what could happen?
5. Listen...to people, music, stories, the wind
6. Laugh a lot
7. Relax. Believe me, you're not going to self-destruct if your cupcakes look like hell.
8. Strive to create a home environment of peace and harmony
9. Appreciate your blessings in life
10. Accept your body and beauty as precious. It could be worse.

Leo Buscaglia, PhD was a popular professor, author and lecturer known as "Dr Love". Back in the eighties, I heard a quote of his that continues to resonate with me. It goes (sort of) like this..."So, you've got fat thighs. So what? Chances are, there is a fat thigh lover out there just waiting to meet you."  True enough.  Love: Part 3

Free Advice: On Falling in Love - Part One

Damn you Mary Richards.
I, along with tons of other "Mary Tyler Moore Show" devotees of my generation aspired to be you. Independent, childless, career-minded and self sufficient. Great qualities in anyone. But as I was busy being independent, childless,  career-minded and self sufficient, I was also, alone.

Oh, I had great friends, family and pets so I can't really say I was totally alone but at 38 years of age, I yearned to have a "significant other" in my life and that didn't look like it was going to happen any time soon. I attracted married men and gay guys like a moth to a flame.

Married Men: 

I learned that married men liked the fact that I was independent, childless, career-minded and self sufficient. Who knew?

I do not judge. The heart is fragile and the human psyche is complex. There are times in life where emotions take precedence and relationships flourish despite all odds.
That being said, I was not interested in dating married men. It was just too stressful. This is what I have learned...

When a married man was honest about his marital status, rebuffing his invitation for a date was easy. "I'm flattered you would ask, but I'm not ready to get into anything complicated." It worked well. No feelings hurt. He wasn't thinking with the head above his shoulders anyway.

When the married man in question was dishonest about his marital status, cutting him loose was as simple as "You have deceived me". Those words worked well, summed it up nicely and were positioned directly towards his jugular vein. I'm not saying it was easy, but as painful as it was, I knew that choosing a deceitful man as a partner would be a mistake for me. 

My Top Five Signs that he's married...

1. He gives you his work or cell number only.
2. He prefers weekday "lunch" dates. Friday and Saturday night dates are rare. Sundays? No way.
3. He is vague about where he lives and you have never been invited there.
4. He doesn't use a credit card when you see each other.
5. He rubs his ring finger on his left hand.

Bottom line: If you think he's married, he probably is. Trust your gut. Be direct. Ask him.

Gay Guys

I love gay guys. Always have. Always will.

Fashion, The Academy Awards, decorating, food and current events are common topics of conversation and the conversation never seems to end. They are like having "girlfriends with a twist".

The gay guys that I have loved, loved me back. Platonic hugs and kisses on the cheek, phone calls to "make sure you were OK", remembering me on special occasions. My cup runneth over. But sadly, having  gay guys feature predominantly in my life was not conducive to developing the heterosexual relationship of my dreams.

It was clear that in order to be a healthier me, I needed to create a little "hetero-time" for myself. My gay friends were all I wanted and then some, but I knew in my heart that if I ever wanted to be in a romantic relationship with a man, I would have to (reluctantly) nurture non-gay relationships.


In 1995, my best gay-friend, Rob and I discussed my dilemma and decided to work on it together. The first step was redecorating my bedroom. "Early Teenager" was what he had dubbed it and now it was time for a change. "If you build it, they will come" he said, quoting the famous line in Field of Dreams. Our "break-up" came much sooner than I had anticipated. Three months after my "fabulous" bedroom make-over, Rob died. He was only 33. One day I will write all about Rob and the indelible mark he made on my life but for now it remains "too soon".

It was Rob who taught me that I was lovable and knowing that became my first step to falling in love. Love: Part 2